A.

Don’t we have a fancy title up there?

A is for Anxiety.

An anxiety disorder is a serious mental illness. For people with anxiety disorders, worry and fear are constant and overwhelming, and can be crippling. (thanks Google!)

Trust me when I say anxiety sucks, that it drags you down, eats you out. But think what you want when I say anxiety is beautiful. Anxiety is a mind controller, weaving frantic and desperate thoughts into our heads almost effortlessly. Anxiety is like a dance.

Anxiety makes you a horrible person. I am good enough. You’re such an annoying worry-wart. Worrying comforts me. Look, just, um, go away. I’m sorry, you’re not good enough a person if you’re down with THAT. THAT is a part of me. Wait, what? You have a disease? Not a disease? Are you kidding? Anxiety is a disease. It’s as much a disease as a care bear. The counsellor’s ready to see you.  okay.

Once it’s known that you are down with a mental illness, you’re rejected. Everywhere you go. People treat you as if you’re handicapped, crippled, useless. But somehow, just somehow, you live with it. You accept that anxiety is a part of you even if it’s long gone. A small and stained part of you is permanent. It makes you feel human, feel like yourself. It varies for some people, most hate anxiety. They feel burdened and irritated at the spurt of irrational worry. I don’t completely hate anxiety, but neither do I love it to bits.

I hate that it renders me useless. That all I can do is worry, worry, worry, and no action. I hate that people hate it. “Please stop.” they’d tell me if I was fidgeting or crying uselessly. I hate it that the people around me have to deal with my extra burden. I hate that because of that, I have no one willing to stay by my side. I hate it.

I love that it makes me me. I love that it somewhat helps me to do everything on task. I love the familiarity and comfort it offers even though it tortures me mentally. Maybe I’m just sick, I don’t know. I love the settling calm I get when it’s over, when I’m back.

Anxiety is like a dance. It twirls and jumps in your mind, and create deluded, dark and tortured images in its wake.

[Do stay updated! I know I’m hardly blogging nowadays but it’s because of exams. My posts will be short, but I hope you do enjoy them!]

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