Ache

Hello! As you read this word, do take note that I am cringing at myself for that lame start off. But honestly, I’ve been away away away for so long, I can’t NOT start something with a greeting. Eye sore, really. Anyways, how do you all do? :)Hopefully there are actually people who still check in on me, because I’ve got a lot to share! Uergh. I’ve lost my writing abilities. I sound really lame and lifeless.

So. Past months been a blur, hells, it’s already September. I barely have time to even sit and reflect on life or BLOG. GOD PLS LET ME BLOG PLS. The reason I am actually able to sit my arse down to blog today, is because, I didn’t give a cow’s shit for my homework so….

HERE I AM!

Yeah well, that’s basically me for the past months. Days were spent slogging for homework, studying because i can’t catch up, I can never EVER seem to do so. Depressing. Really gods damned depressing. Free time was spent on the phone, as much as i really did not want to. My book lists have piled up to stupendously high heights(best adjective usage here yes) and my book hauls have eventually come to a stop. Lack of funds and time are the pimples to my book hauls.(another fantastic comparison from me!)

Nothing new has happened, although there’s something new now…….

I MIGHT COME BACK TO BLOGGING SOON!!!!!

who’s excited!?!?!?! me. basically only me. i mean, since I’ve been gone for hell of a long time, I’ve neglected my little space and all other bloggers and readers worldwide. I’m sorry. I truly am. I don’t expect anyone lapping up all I’m typing or writing because my standards have dropped drastically and i…. I don’t…. I can’t actually. I can’t write anymore. I’ve lost my flow of words. I’d spend minutes finding synonyms nowadays, when it took me seconds to. I’d spent hours trying to write something I’d spent minutes on previously. I miss it. I miss all of it.

And

Nothing pains me more.

than to be away,

away from words.

And to stop myself from hurting, it’s 1am here and I’m blogging. I’m pouring all my shitty feelings of crap and muddled shit thoughts, everything I have, everything i don’t. I’m letting it out here because… because its my sanctuary y’know? I miss blogging so so SO MUCH no words can ever describe it.

My life is crap, nothing is working out well and the only one place, save for my best friend, i can pour all my shit to is here. And I’m so so so grateful to have started blogging, to have found the joys and whoopy happy feelings blogging gives. Nothing can ever change that. Even as I’m typing this, believe me, I’m contempt and happy. It aches. When you miss something or someone so SO gods damned bad, it hurts doesn’t it? But.

when you get it/them back, it is such a wonderful, amazing feeling and event that it hurts. It hurts so so bad and I don’t know why.

I’m blogging, I read today, why am I hurting? WHY?

Now that I think about it, I think it’s because there’s an overflow of emotions. I’m feeling so many things, happiness, anger, so much anger, despair and emptiness.

I’m so happy I’m blogging again (STAHP SAYING IT, REPETITIVE SHIT)(i really am though.)

But

I’m angry as hell. Why didn’t I have the courage, the strength to get out of my whirlpool of problems, my eminent downfall. Why hadn’t I found happiness sooner? I couldn’t? I’m not sure. I just know, I’m spineless, I’m a coward.

And I’m sad. Empty. Because a year or two ago, I’d healed myself by blogging. But I stopped so abruptly, the void it left kept growing. Oh yes it did. Grow it did. It grew so big and so empty, I didn’t know how to feel anymore. I really didn’t. Days spent in school were seriously spent like a zombie. I didn’t KNOW how to feel, i didn’t know how to react to anything! I was so lost because I was empty.

I’m not now.

That’s probably why I’m so emotional at 1am; I’d learn how to feel again. Curse and hell to those who say words don’t heal, they only kill. Words heal as much as I am a girl(well, I’m 100% girls jeez). I’d typed through this post without feeling anything in the front part, mind you. I never edit my posts by the way, I type and publish immediately. So, I started out rough as hell, I’m not sure if you could tell, but I certainly can tell. Though it progressed to be better, I’m actually sliding back down coming to the end of my post.

Nevermind that.

I’m so content to be blogging again. I’m so blazing happy (awesome comparison there m8) and I thank you all so much for just being alive and here. Stay alive, you make a difference in someone’s life I swear it.

(at least you made a difference to my life)

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3 thoughts on “Ache

  1. It’s so good to have you back, and I really mean it. It’s been quiet in this corner of the blogging world.

    I’m sorry to hear you’ve been hurting so much and dealing with so many emotions and so much stress and all of it… it’s tough, this whole life thing. It really is. But I’m glad that you’ve come back to blogging–something that makes you happy–and have a space to pour out everything. It’s an important thing, to have an outlet.

    Anyways, it’s good to see you again, and I hope you can find the words again in the days to come. Take care 🙂

    • It’s good to be back!😭 thank you so much!! *sigh* I guess life isn’t really going uphill for me but I’m quite content that I’ve somewhere to dump all my messed-up-from-the-day feels! but with all your encouragements I’m really regretful why I didn’t come back sooner ): uergh, regret feels but nonetheless, thank you so much, it’s really so SO amazing and bloody good to be back! (:

      • Nah, don’t regret not coming back sooner. It doesn’t matter–what matters is that you’re here now. I hope that life get easier for you, if not the things happening around you, then at least things here, in your blog. We’re here for you 🙂

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