Twist

Almost a year down my suspiciously anxiety-free road, i reckon I’m down with anxiety again.

About 1 hour ago, I’d had that unsettling feeling again, like a pitfall in my stomach. My heart was thudding rapidly, i could not stay still.

Something’s not right, my brows furrowed deeply.

The recent days i had gone through were a series of irritated, hasty decisions and conclusions. I’d panic quickly and get so stressed, it was as if my feet were on fire and i was led on by a fiery dance of life and death.

Not to mention, my rather high tolerance of insensitive humans was wearing thin.

I didn’t suspect it, or even guessed that i may have been slapped with anxiety again, I’d long thought it was the works of the infamous PMS. Given that a week has passed, I’m pretty confident it is NOT PMS.

28 October 2015
I was in the midst of gulping down my lunch of salt induced soup when my heart stopped. Strange, i thought. Then came the crashing down of immense and unexplained stress. My gut twisted into knots, intake of anything was torture. My lungs felt small, constrained. I was a runner, how could it be so hard to even breathe? Even as i type this, at this moment, my unsettled heart has not slowed, in fact, it became worse.

Sure, i had LOADS of unfinished assignments and what not. People I’ve offended in the past week of my silence and refusal to speak, things i have promised myself to accomplish but have not done so. But…

this was my norm, was it not?

for almost a year, I’d gone by leaving things unfinished and half dead, why now? Why am i hit so bad with anxiety again?

I feel like something bad, very bad is about to happen, or is it just the anxiety? Stuffing my fist in my mouth is no help, it’s making me worse, ifeellikechoking.

It’s so hard to breathe, what’s happening to me? Please don’t come back anxiety, let me be free. I’m so tired of those teary, toss-and-turn nights, darting eyes and racing heart.

i feel so pained.

i can’t describe how much i want to be free, don’t drag me down again please.

breathe. you need to breathe.

i guess i’m…

Home.

it’s good to be back,

my lungs and heart are screaming in protest.

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2 thoughts on “Twist

  1. When you feel an anxious thought coming, please try this: watch it, but don’t judge it. Allow it to be there. This way, you are cutting the link between your thought and emotion. You allow the energy to move through your body and out of it. You will then feel your true essence, which is untouched by anything you did or was done to you. You are surrounded by all the love and help you need. Always. Namaste.

    • hey Namaste! thank you so much for your love, support and advice! i will try it out soon, I’m feeling real suffocated and confused here. i guess you’re right about one thing: i do try to push my thoughts away almost too forcefully which results in pandemonium! I’ll try what you advised, thank you so much! (‘:

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