Bury that Head in the Ground!

*bleep*

1 new notification. 

*click* *click*

“Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com!”

-stares-

wait, oh god.

It can’t be.

MY BLOG IS 2 YEARS OLD.

THAT WOULD MEAN MY POSTS DATE BACK TO WHEN I WAS LIKE 14 AND ANGSTY AND EMBARRASSING AND AND And…

Okay, I have longed realised this problem but have always been really embarrassed and insecure about addressing the issue of me being embarrassed AND insecure about my blog.

Confusing? I think YES.

Honestly speaking, as I type away on my abnormally loud keyboard, the time would be 2 am and I would feel really fired up by some kind of invisible motivation (which I totally have NO idea of its origin). This force would always make my posts either over-filled with pent up emotions, or just straight up stupid. And I am really embarrassed about this.

This is how I blog:

-cue brain diarrhoea-

“I feel like shit and I hate myself and I hate the world and I have so many things I want to say but what the hell, who can I rant to Oh wait I have a damn blog.”

*wHIPS (literally) out laptop*

-brain pees through fingers onto keyboard, onto blog-

*POSTS*

“I feel prODUCTIVE!!!!”

*closes wordpress, hides all traces of blogging, turns off notifications*

~end~

I am so embarrassed about my posts that I do not link any of my other social media here, or even tell any other living soul about this damn blog. I pretend that I do not blog, that this isn’t me, this is my evil twin or my weird sub conscience speaking.

I’m not insecure (too much) but I’m merely aware of my capabilities.

I do not have the talent to string together an array of beautiful words, or the ability to speak my mind in a way that makes people gawk. I am aware of that and that holds me back from ever emerging from this infinite pool of talents, of words. Sometimes, I do indeed go back to all my previous posts and mull about what the heck was going through my little mind while I was making that post, or go “damn. I should delete this abomination.”. Writers are humans too, we have all the instinctive criticism, instinctive scepticism, instinctive discontent when we’re looking at our own works. (although I am pretty sure that there are narcissistic writers out there who absolutely adore their works.)

But all I’m saying is, it’s natural to hate our own works; you may think, “oh, this person needs to be told his/her work is amazing!” or whatnot, but what we, writers that know ourselves well (or insecure ha ha whatever you think it is although I really wouldn’t say insecure.), actually really need is not someone to assure us, but someone to relate to and maybe encourage us a little.

I HAVE SKIDDED FROM THE MAIN POINT TOO MUCH. as usual. oh, how I hate myself.

but anyway,

Happy Anniversary Partial Prudence!

I do indeed hate some posts and have arranged for them to be sent directly to Hell(no offence but some posts of mine are so cringey they should die.), but nonetheless, I love this blog, I love the people here(you).

I have been encouraged, had fun, found out more about myself, heck, I even found out more about the world. I have my blog to thank. AND YOU!!!! (I CRINGE @MYSELF.)

I will forever be embarrassed about my posts, because I’m a “child” and I’M REALLY ANGSTY WHEN I BLOG!!!! but I will try and be a little proud of myself, of my works. And show them to the world.

Dear World, 

Do mentally prepare yourself for when I’m proud as shit of myself. You may want to get insurance.

Love,

older version of the 14 year old kid who called herself In Between Total Opposites.

(whattheheck though, seriously. “In Between Total Opposites??” Sometimes. I just. Can’t believe myself.)

*BURIES HEAD IN GROUND*

 

 

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